


Letters

by hanmagaewon



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a sad ending, Conflict, F/M, I Don't Even Know, Jealousy, Levi-centric, M/M, canonverse, cheesy Erwin, violet evergarden crossover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:46:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25966081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanmagaewon/pseuds/hanmagaewon
Summary: Levi managed to find a box of old letters Erwin wrote to him that Erwin had prepared if he’s dead would fill the blank period perfectly.“I have lost one arm and now I will lose you too, Levi?”“Yeah, maybe.”
Relationships: Levi & Erwin Smith, Levi/Erwin Smith, some Gilbert Bougainvillea/Violet Evergarden
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	1. Unsent Letters

**Author's Note:**

> This plot belongs to @sugariedelrey on Twitter, I'm just a writer (thanks for your permission to allow me to write this story, angel)  
> Hope you guys will enjoy it.  
> Love.

Recently, Levi has not seen Erwin for several nights. He did not come back to his accommodation, left Levi alone with a ‘sorry’ tomorrow morning. He tried to ignore the fact that there is a rumour spreading in Survey Corps, that their Commander now has a lover, who is tall, beautiful with the soft voice and blonde hair, and they always meet at midnights, behind a closed door, and did something in secret. Erwin, who has never given a lie to Levi from the first day they knew each other, now has a mystery. Somehow, it is stranger that Erwin kept his secret so far away from Levi, and he always hides something in a weird box in his office, with a ton of unsent letters. Levi has never seen Erwin like that before, and now he is waiting for him in the hallway, try his best to destroy Erwin’s plan to escape from him.

Erwin came back when the clock was pinpointing at 12:15. It means Erwin had been there for 8 hours, with an unknown woman, without directing about it with Levi. How ridiculous it was when Erwin had thought that he will ignore him to do whatever he liked. Levi didn’t give a fuck about the thought that he had been cheated by Erwin, but if Erwin did that for real, he will not hesitate to cut his throat. What a lovely death for a saviour of humanity. However, Levi will not end his life now, not until he figures out what the fuck Erwin was doing. Levi knew Erwin knew how bad he hates being alone, how bad he hates to be left, how bad he hates the truth that the one who left him is Erwin. It may be anyone in this absurdity world, but not _Erwin._ Not a fucking _Erwin Smith,_ the Greatest Commander of Survey Corps.

“Oi, what are you doing at this damn time?” Levi started, knitted his brows.

“I have something to do with the following exploration, you know, this one will be different from any other explorations we have done before,” Erwin replied, politely, but Levi did not wait for him ‘till he finished his sentence.

“I don’t fucking care about that, I have anticipated that you will chit-and-chat about some stupid things like that before. The one I am truly, genuinely want to know is, who is she, I meant, who is the woman staying in your personal office?”

“Levi, you are jealous?” Erwin continued, and he was not flinched by what Levi has said, just like he is talking about something normal as the weather today.

“Jealous? So I do not have the privilege to ask my _lover_ about who he is communicating with,” he emphasized, “or it’s not time for you to answer this question, not until she got pregnant and we broke up?”

“Levi, you are misunderstanding-“

“None of those things is a misunderstanding, old man! You knew I hate that. You knew how I fucking hated the truth that you left me without saying a word. You knew I hated being alone because you are the only one in this shitty discomfort world cared about me, cared about how bad I felt after killing something or someone, except Farlan and Isabel. You knew you are who can consol me when I felt depressed, when I fell, when I wanted to leave this world. You knew it, Erwin. You knew the deepest, darkest truth about me. You knew it. And now you leave me.” 

Levi was completely angry now, but it is not all, he was sad, disappointed, frustrated, exhausted, and he wanted to give up. Give up on everything he has tried to do, to make Erwin stay, to trust someone, to make them _home_ . But if he knew something that never changes, it is his feeling towards Erwin, even though he left everything behind, even though he walked away, he can not stop his heart beating for Erwin. He can not, because Erwin is his sky, is an ocean he has never reached, is _his choice without regret_.

“Levi, I-“

“Keep your stupid mouth shut up. A woman who is beautiful, blonde, tall, just like your ex-lover. Guess you have a type, huh? And you will never fall in love with someone short, black-haired, disgusted, annoying, who never behaves well towards the pig in Maria Walls, who always brings problems to you, who always made you _depressed_ , right? You just pretend to love him, don’t you? You pretend not to see that how I worried about you when you fought in the front line, with creatures which are at least five times compared to your size, or can easily take your life away. You pretend not to know how hard I pray for you, for our Corps, for everything you concerned, don’t suffer. You pretend not to see how bad I wish for you to forgive yourself, to be just _you_ , Erwin. _You just pretend_.”

There was silence between them now. Erwin’s manifestation was outlandish, and he was grappling with his feelings, while his face was variable. Levi’s words always hit him manifestly, and he can not conceal him without giving him an explanation about everything. But he didn’t. He did not give a sign that he will explain or at least a denial about what we have done. And when Levi thought he will have an exposition, he did not say anything.

“I have lost one arm and now I will lose you too, Levi?” Erwin said, hopelessly.

“Yeah, maybe,” Levi replied, and disappeared behind the corner of the hallway.

-

They have not contended with each other since that night, until their next expedition was launched, and it also was the last time, the final minute, Levi has seen Erwin, alive. Levi had seen a thousand times before, he had seen how Erwin escaped from Titan’s mouth, he had seen Erwin fight, he had seen Erwin _fly_ . And he believed him, he believed that he will never die, he had a strong belief that Erwin is immortality, he believed it, because he did not want Erwin to die. For him, it is still fine, even though Erwin was sent to anywhere, to the MP, to Wall Maria, but not _sent to hell_. 

He trembled when he held his cold breath, his closed eyes and saw he gave up on himself. Despite their war before, Erwin was still the one he loved, and he can not lose him this way, not by Titan, and he will be the one who burns his bones into dust and drinks it with wine, until he was intoxicated with the savour of his flesh. He has not given up yet, so Erwin did not have permission to do it. Not until he was the one who killed him.

“Levi, you will figure out what I am hiding from you, soon. And please don’t be sad, _mon cheri_ , I will never give up on you. Even when I passed away, even when the death separated us, even when you can not see my eyes, hear my breath, know my love. It did not mean I have given up on you, or I have left you, or I have not stayed with you. I am always there, and you will know where I am, Levi.”

And it is his last words, his last moment, his last breath.

_I prayed all the best for the one I loved._

_And I eased all the worst for the one I loved._


	2. i prayed for you not to pass away

One week after Erwin’s death, Levi still can’t believe he was gone.

_ He was gone. _

_ He was gone. _

_ He was gone. _

Those words repeated in his mind day by day, and he had chosen not to save him, which made him regretting much after that. He chose not to save him, he chose not to give him the Titan serum, so why he is here, on the rooftop of Erwin’s quarter, and looking at the falling stars.

He collected those pieces of memory alone, about the blue sky in Erwin’s eyes, the sunshine falling on his hair, the firm but softness in his voice, and about one day, when he told him about the shooting stars. Erwin had told a ton of stories for Levi, when he felt insomnia, or tired, or sad, or just a random day when he felt Levi was not in good mood, especially in days after expeditions. He told him about a whale in a vast place filling with water called ‘ocean’, and he promised him that he will take him to there one day, when the humanity win and defeat all the evil outside the walls, and he will hug him in his arms, although his arms were not warm enough for him anymore, bring him to the end of this world, and let him die in his embrace,  _ with him _ . But that promise will never be fulfilled, not when Erwin was gone. Levi was cursed by those words. Why he can not forgive himself as he had begged Erwin to forgive himself? Why he can not get over his death, and he is always haunted by his ghost?  _ Why he can not forget everything about him, just like what he had done with other things when he got depressed? _

_ “Levi, have you ever heard a story about shooting stars?” Erwin asked him, with a stubborn smile on his face. _

_ “What the fuck, what happened with those stupid creatures? Let’s me guess, they fell and hit somebody?”  _

_ “No, Levi, it’s just your story, if you wanted to keep it for your own. In my story, when a star fell, it brought one soul to heaven. And I thought one day, the biggest star will fall for your death,” _

Levi is haunted by those shadows. But he knew Erwin had gone to heaven, because since the day he fell, the shooting stars also give up.

-

“Captain Levi, someone wants to meet you, sir,”

“Who?”

“A girl with blonde hair, sir.”

“I understood, dismissed.”

He thought he knew her, the one who spent all night long in Erwin’s quarter, the stupid root of their argument, and he had to find out which wind brought her here, and try to calm himself not to kick her ass out of the Corps.

“Sincerely, Captain Levi, I’m Violet Evergarden from Auto Memory Doll. It’s a great chance to meet you in person. Erwin had told a lot of things about you.” The woman started the conversation with a soft voice, and her introduction crossed Levi’s mind. She has said  _ Auto Memory Doll _ , hasn’t she? The one which has services to help people writing letters for the one who they loved? It meant he misunderstood Erwin? Or it was just a trick to cover Levi’s eyes? If it was not, then, the root of their argument even didn’t exist? Levi was trembling, and he can not hold back his feeling anymore. He misunderstood Erwin, before the last time he could see him alive, and he can not give him an apologise anymore, because there’s no one can hear his voice. Levi used to know he can not get over Erwin’s death, so he had made a promise with Erwin, that he won’t drop any apologies, tears, or flowers on his tomb, in case Erwin is the one who passed away first, and he won’t break his promise. He will let Erwin leave in peace, and he will not have to take care of Levi’s complicated feeling anymore, he deserves this than anyone else, and he will not have to return this living hell and fight with the awful things of this world. But it also meant Levi was wrong from the start, and Erwin just tried to hide him about everything because he knew Levi will get angry if he knew those things. Levi felt like he was falling, and his vision was blurred. He can not send Erwin an apologise or a goodbye anymore. He was wrong, and he was dumbfounded, by Erwin,  _ for Erwin. _

“I thought everything is clear enough for us, right, Captain Levi?” She continued, tugged Levi from his own thought, and he nodded. “As I have told, I’m from Auto Memory Doll, and I’m the one who was hired by Commander Erwin to help him write some letters for the one he loved after he passed away. And his receiver is you, Levi Ackerman. It’s twelve letters in total, and I will leave the first one here. Hope you have a good day, sir.” 

She put a letter on the table and didn’t say anything else. He told she knew he didn’t need any further speech. He was gone now, for real, just like Erwin.

“Thank you.” He mumbled, and this time, it’s Violet who nodded.

-

Levi did not dare to open this letter all day. He felt full of guilt, for things he had done and the speech he had made with Erwin. It didn’t mean he didn’t want to read it, he just thought it’s not the right time. But when he was on the rooftop, with shooting stars falling around him, he felt he had to read it because those shooting stars brought Erwin’s soul with them, didn’t they, and he can read this one when he was covered by the warmth of his soul.

_ “My dearest Levi, _

_ How are you? I can not know what you are feeling now, because when you received this letter, I was passed away.  _

_ Those days seem to be a little difficult for you and you have to deal with a lot of things because the humanity has found out about the truth behind those walls, right? I hoped my judgement is not wrong, and my death is not a waste for nothing. I can not stay there with you and figure out the truth of this world, I’m sincerely sorry for it.  _

_ Levi, have you ever wondered about our life behind the world? Is it just me with my childish dream, and I knew my selfish dream can not satisfy anyone’s death. I covered my eyes with the belief that the things I have done will help the humanity win, but in fact, it didn’t. It’s you, Levi. You’re the one who brings hope for humanity, lights a candle in the darkness and leads the humanity to escape from that hell. And you are the wing which can not find a resting place for yourself. All of us had a death wish, and we are always curious about the smooth operation of this world. But I prayed for you not to pass away, and I hoped the one who had a death wish was not you. I knew, one day, I will be gone. I will not leave anything else on this world, except the regret towards my dream, towards you. This world will not burst into tears for the death of a monster, and those karmas are what I have to exchange with my valueless living. I had not sent you my last words, and I knew you will never forgive me, forever. But I just had a wish, that you will remember me, even just a little. It’s all I wished for myself. _

_ Please live. _

_ Live. For me. _

_ Sincerely,  _

_ Erwin Smith.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have thought a lot of things because I didn't make sure what Erwin will write in his letter, but here we are.  
> Thanks for all your kudos and comments. Love you guys.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments you have left.


End file.
